Author: charleyjeynes

Monologue of a lover

Mother Nature caressed every pore of my body.

Every tendon and cell made lighter by her embrace

If each day permitted time for her love

One’s grievances would undoubtedly diminish.

Thank you,

For you fired the kiln of my heart

Igniting my dormant love for the emotional release of poetry,

The use of which I call upon to express my love for you.

It is not until the heart

Truly sinks into tranquility.

When the complexities of life

Submerge in the ocean,

Dissipate through one’s fingers with the ease of sand.

That one’s heart is fully exposed.

At the essence of which is love.

For people or for earths gifts,

But with passion.

Without love only emptiness exists.

You occupy my thoughts unequivocally

In these moments

it is you I long for.

I shall cherish you for as long as these moments prevail.

A stem growing,

Draw unavoidably to the rays of the sun.

Till the branch breaks

Or vines seep between.

For you are my love

And I long to see you soon.

Y.O.U

I was just thinking about how much I love you.

About blending our souls together,

To both thrive in harmony.

You make me the best person of myself,

And I love every version of you,

I want to be there with you, for you, forever.

Forever is not an immense word of commitment.

But one of intense, overwhelming feeling.

To love completely is to open your heart, strip back the layers protecting it. Protecting you.

I’m scared to let you protect me.

Why cannot keep a little part of me guarded. Just in case.

Love grows.

It melts away the metal that shields your heart.

Or maybe am I just simping. such a degrading word for something so pure. I’ve learned to protect that part of me. But I feel safe. With myself. With you.

I feel immediately quite vulnerable now.

As if too many thoughts fell from my brain.

I have a lot of thoughts.

I feel quite strongly about a lot of things.

You are one part of my life.

Co-dependency is a scary thing.

Fuel a fire already raging.

Feelings

There are moments in life where one feels incomprehensively content,

Then others where you zoom out of feeling,

Hibernate in your brain.

You grow in this time, alter your course.

Moments where you analyse: comprehend.

Is happiness really fleeing?

It is to be strived for but one can never be happy,

They can dominate their lives to feeling happy but they can never claim it.

That said…

There are other feelings: sadness, joy, pride.

One feeling does not have complete dominance over the other.

Light cannot exist without darkness.

*am eating a pot noodle, it feels very warm on my insides, almost like how love feels.

Bathe In It’s Echo

I don’t know where things will go between us,

You ignite my heart in a way it’s not been lit in a long time,

Some, even it has never.

Is there a perfect time to tell one your feelings toward them?

Or does it reach a point where it pains to not say.

I want to shout it from the rooftops,

And bathe in its echo

*That felt good and true.

I feel it.

Every syllable in those words.

Echoing through my soul.

My Sexual Life

*This is a bit of an overshare about my experiences that do still affect me now, if you know me you know i’m quite an openly confident sexual person. I wanted to use that to highlight some of the unspoken about parts of sex. I hope it makes you feel more comfortable speaking about things you may have been through. **Anonymous comments are enabled if anyone wants to share too.

I’ve had a lot of different sexual experiences in my time. Most good but the bad ones easily dominate my thoughts. I find myself struggling to trust and let myself feel, because I’ve been instinctively led to believe that sex is transnational in nature and it’s not. I hate to think of someone being obliged to make me orgasm and that in itself is why I struggle to let myself go. I can’t pin point why I feel like this, but there are a few experiences that I know have contributed.

Recently I got out of a long, very toxic relationship. It didn’t start off as toxic, I don’t think many do, but it is hard to find the point at which they turn. One night in particular, I had my guards down and I feel like I was taken advantage of. We were broken up at the time but still in close proximity to one another. After repeatedly saying no I felt like I was obliged to have sex with her because I cared about her so much. So i did it. Although it was good sex and I eventually did consent the constant pressurizing made me feel dirty on reflection, after being so close I felt belittled to a sex object. For a long time I struggled to look at her because that’s all I could think about; it took me weeks to build the courage to actually talk to her about it. Her response completely threw me. I’d clearly been obsessing over the incident and although she felt bad for making me feel uncomfortable she didn’t see any wrong in her actions: that took me a lot longer to get over. She didn’t seem like the person I thought she was, and if I couldn’t trust her then how could I trust anyone. I don’t think i’m fully over it now. Which I do acknowledge sounds ridiculous as it doesn’t stand up in comparison to other peoples experiences, but i felt used and betrayed. My trust in her shattered that day and with it a little of my trust in everyone else, i’m still trying to put it back together.

My sexual experiences started when I was in secondary school. I was dating this boy who put a lot of pressure on me to be sexual and that’s something I wasn’t ready for. Luckily I got away with just sending a few nudes and giving a hand job, but it could have been a lot worse. I do think there are many unspoken experiences like this; and I always feel lucky that I got out of it fairly unscathed. From there I went into quite a happy relationship with a lovely boy and he really made me feel comfortable and safe. He’s the one boy I actually trusted and I still have a big place in my heart for him till this day.

After that I bounced around for a while, trying to explore my sexuality. From my experiences the dating world is a scary place; part of sex is letting yourself go and without pr-existing boundaries it’s difficult to know when you are crossing that line. Thus, I cannot put enough emphasis on open communication, checking in on your partner while your having sex to make sure they’re okay, especially if it is relatively new. My first experience with a girl was a little like this. 17 year old me, very nervous and unsure of myself with someone much more sexually confident. She blindfolded me and fucked me with a dildo. I didn’t know what was going on and I was incredibly nervous about having sex with a girl for the first time. I understand the reasoning behind it, but if we had spoken beforehand she would have known I wasn’t ready.

Following on from this, I had sex with a guy. He was lovely but in the bedroom very dominant, something i’m not instantly comfortable with. On one occasion i didn’t want to have sex and so he jerked himself off next to me, whilst i lid there clearly uncomfortable with the ordeal. I do think a lot of men I’ve been with have this same idea that women are obliged to make them cum; that if they’re hard you automatically need to fuck them. It’s ridiculous, just because your turned on doesn’t mean we have to have sex with you. NO does mean no, but it also needs to be a safe space where you can say no. Not creating that safe environment can be equally as bad sometimes.

Press Pauce

Sometimes life can move ferociously fast. It’s important to take some time; alone with your thoughts to sit and process. It’s easy to get sucked into the fast pace and constantly yearn for something more: bigger and better experiences. Just take a minute to sit and think about your week; the moments that really made you feel alive. There is a beauty in appreciating: a peacefulness.